Lost Motivation

How do you keep your motivation? How do you keep fighting through? How do you push through the excuses of a)life, b)injury, or c)laziness?

I struggle with these things. Not only with working out, but also with my diet. The proverbial wagon fall. Sometimes I find that the best way to get motivated when it’s been lost is to shock your system with small, obtainable goals. Aim for three days of something and accomplish that. Parlay that into another 4 days of something else. String enough wins together and suddenly you’re back on track.

I let a wrist injury keep me from the gym. The excuse I used was that I didn’t want to further injure it more, thus resulting in more recovery time. I rationalized my laziness.

Rationalization is a goal killer

I have started to refocus and center my attention back on my original goals. The real trick is starting – once you’re fully back on the Radio Flyer, then you can ride your momentum.  You may slow or change direction, you may ride up on two wheels like a crazy stunt man, but just don’t fall off that crimson four wheeled beast and stall your progress. It’s much harder to pick yourself up and start again.

1. Set small obtainable goals (some unit of measure over a time period)
2. Continue to accomplish these goals, but don’t stop making them
3. Identify justifications and rationalizations that stop your momentum
4. Stop justifying and rationalizing your progress away
5. Be honest with yourself

Remember that you chose this direction. Remember that you can stop at any time. Remember that you’re the only one that suffers when you don’t meet your goals.

Eating is a workout

Half egg/egg white omelette with bacon, black olives, tomatoes, mushrooms, and onions with a baby spinach and grilled green and white asparagus with a sprinkle of bacon

I was always taught that the way to lose weight was to cut calories. Made sense – the less calories you put in your body, the less calories you had to burn. This is the lazy way out. You need to eat enough to support your basic metabolic functions. If you don’t, if you cut your calories to the point of creating a deficit then your stressing your body in a negative way. The body is preprogrammed to survive. It will shut down systems to preserve life. Imagine if you suddenly emptied half the fluids from your car and then drove across the country – how confident would you feel in the middle of the Nevada desert with half the recommended amount of oil, coolant, and gasoline that your car would make it to your final destination? Machines need vital fluids, your body needs nutrients to run efficiently.

Increasing how often and how much I ate lead to FAT LOSS!

Eating 5 balanced 400 calorie meals per day actually led to reduction of body fat in about 3 weeks. How you ask? With the guidance of The Coach, I followed strict dietary schedule, carefully crafted to let my metabolism work as efficiently as possibly by providing the right amount of carbs, protein, and fat to my system. My metabolism shaped up, it was burning fat for 72% of the energy I needed, the additional 28% coming from carbohydrates. You want about 80/20 split to be most efficient. I took a Basic Metabolic Rate test, which basically calculates how much energy you need to just survive. Get one – Google it in your area. You may need to see a doctor or a personal trainer (some gyms offer this service). Knowing this rate allowed The Coach to know exactly how many calories I needed to survive doing absolutely nothing. Once you add in physical activity and other basic things (work, driving, walking, etc) you can come up with how many calories you should consume to support your life. I’m not a scientist, I don’t know all of the reasons why, but I know that I put my faith and trust into someone that did and it worked for me.

I felt like I had to eat, eating was harder than deadlifts or running. Eating took thought, planning and effort to get it right. I didn’t go out with friends. I didn’t drink alcohol. I didn’t do the ‘fun’ things I had associated with food. I ate the same 5 meals every day for 3 weeks straight. Coworkers hated when I’d heat up tuna with coconut oil and chopped red bell peppers in the microwave. The Vitamix whirring at 7:30am to blend my whole old fashioned oats, protein powder, almond milk and almond butter shake surely offended my sleeping roommates. My wallet felt light buying the steak, chicken, and tuna that supported my protein requirements. All of that was worth it when The Coach pinched my fat spots and came back with a lost of 5%. I had her measure it again and told her to be aggressive and mean. I told her to measure in 7 places instead of 3 – it came back lower. I had gone from 29% to 23.7% in 3 weeks. The bonus in all of that is that all of my lifts in the gym improved too. I truly was operating efficiently and fixing my body with the food I was putting into it. The Coach knows her shit!

What does this mean for you? It’s not the amount of the calories you put in your body as much as the quality of those calories. You need to support your fitness level with an appropriate amount of fuel (calories). You wouldn’t go to the gas station and only fill your car halfway to improve fuel efficiency, just as much as you wouldn’t try and overfill it thinking that it could get you farther. You either end up running out of gas before your destination or spilling gas all over you shoes and wasting money. Figure out what your goals are, figure out what your caloric requirement is to support those goals and stay consistent. Consistency is key to achieving success.

Unhealthy health food

First off – none of what I’m about to rant about has anything rooted in science. I mean, maybe a little bit, but I’m not going to post links to studies and scientific studies conducted by people way smarter than me. The point of this blog is to get you to think for yourself and decide what’s the best for you and your fitness and dietary goals. If you want to weigh 300lbs, then don’t read this post. If you want to weigh 100lbs, don’t read this post. There is no magic pill or snake oil that will help you achieve your goals – only through consistently daily decisions will you be able to lose weight, gain muscle, loose body fat, or lift more weight. Disclaimer complete.

I want to clarify that this post is only to shed some light on foods that are seen as ‘healthy’. Are they more or less healthy than other foods – absolutely. My perspective on food is that it either HELPS (nurtures and fuels your body) or HURTS (offers little to no nutritional value or puts hard to process chemicals into your body). There really is no middle ground – the food you eat either helps or hurts you. When you taste food, it provides a satisfactory response – because it tastes good, but that taste aspect of food only lasts for the duration of the ‘meal’ or less. That food then spends the next 24 hours in your body. TWENTY-FOUR hours to FIFTEEN minutes. Think about that. You consume a food that tastes delicious and gives you pleasure for 15 minutes, produces a satisfying feeling of being ‘full’ but causes heart burn, elevated heart rate, increased blood pressure, predisposition to diabetes, and excessive fat storage. Is the juice worth the squeeze?

The foods I’m going to list are common in the ‘health food’ segment of the food manufacturing segment. If you think about that for a minute – companies that product known unhealthy foods are producing health foods with the intent to capture that market share of the population. It’s like cigarette companies giving to anti smoking campaigns. It feels a bit unethical and scummy.

The list:

Granola bars: loaded with sugar!!! No bueno, you don’t want to eat that. Granola bars, as a marketable product have been touted as a healthy alternative to a candy bar. I agree with that, but the misconception is that it’s a health food. If you’re on a whole, clean eating diet (Paleo or Paleo-esque), then this food is out. It’s highly processed. A quick Google search for ‘granola bar ingredients’ led me to a leading granola bar, produced by a major (household name) manufacturer of processed foods. The first ingredient: Whole oats. Not that bad, but still a grain or carbohydrate. Depending on your program, this might not be a bad thing. The second ingredient: sugar. Yep, sugar is 2nd in the line up of ingredients. Followed by canola oil, corn oil, honey, soy flour, brown sugar syrup, etc… The only natural part of this granola  bar from the valley of nature is ‘natural flavor’. I’m not here to knock the product. I love them, they fill a void, and they’re marketed well. But this health food will not help you. The fault here is that this ‘health’ food is 190 calories, thus the way we’ve been programmed to think that low cal = health food. Not so much. 12 g of sugar to 4 g of protein. 29g of carbohydrates to 2 g of fiber. These bars make you ‘feel’ better or more energetic based on their sugar content. They don’t add any sort of lasting nutritional value, they lack any nutrients, such as iron, magnesium, calcium, and the vitamin alphabet.

Feeling low or a lack of energy? A small handful (6-12) of non-salted cashews or almonds will offer you a boost. It has natural sugars and fats that will fuel your body. Nuts are high in fat and protein, but low in sugars and carbohydrates. The fat will give you an instant boost in energy, while the protein component will allow for a more even metabolic process delivering energy for the next hour.

Salad: mostly water, lacking nutritional components such as protein and fat. Okay – salad is a generic term. The salad I’m talking about is the salad you’re served at a restaurant as a side or main dish starter. Iceberg lettuce, croutons, cherry tomato, maybe a cucumber and red onion, served with choice of dressing. This salad is mostly water. Iceberg lettuce is mostly water. Cucumbers – water with very little flavor. Croutons = bread – processed. Onions and tomatoes – saving grace, but not enough to offset the others. Dressing is not even something I’m going to talk about in this post. Salads, in this form, lack protein. To feel ‘full’ you’ll have to eat a shit ton to feel like you’ve had a meal. The lack of protein or any sort of slow burn macronutrient means that you’re going to ‘feel’ hungry in a matter of an hour or two, which leads to eating a snack.

Swap out lettuce for spinach or kale. Add protein (chicken, steak, turkey, or sausage), stay away from corn, carrots, or any other starchy/sugary vegetables. Broccoli, onions, peppers are all good options. Dressing options – olive oil and lemon juice, salt and pepper to taste.

Diet Soda: Probably the worst for you in terms of the fact that you’re putting chemicals into your body that are not easily digestible. The other downside is that these artificial sweeteners are super concentrated and therefore overload your taste buds, which dulls your senses and taste. After cutting Diet Pepsi/Coke out for about 2-3 weeks, food started to just taste better. I couldn’t explain it and thought it had to do with the fact that I was hungry, so everything just tasted better. Several articles pointed out that these sweeteners had the capability to do this and suddenly it all clicked.

Thirsty? Drink water and lots of it. Not only is it lubricate and add benefits to all of your internal systems, it does not impart sugars, sweeteners, or other negative nutritional values. It also balances your pH and allows your body to transport nutrients and minerals throughout your body and the toxins and byproducts produced by your systems. This is a no brainer – every study or fitness magazine touts drinking more water, just do it. If you want to spice it up, add half a lemon to 24 ounces. Be careful with too much lemon, the acidity can cause some issues with your teeth, stomach, and other systems.

Low-Cal/No-Fat products: These are not beneficial for your system, as mostly food producers have added artificial flavor enhancers to increase the flavor profile so you continue to buy it. They entice you with the low-calorie branding, however, the artificial components are hard for your body to process and can actually deposit in your system for longer than normal. Paleo is all about removing these artificial ingredients from your diet to allow your metabolism work as optimally as possible. It may take some work to get your metabolism to work efficiently, but the first step is to stop putting toxins into your body.

Full fat food does not make you fat. There are scores of articles and studies about this, but basically fat burns the fastest and gives you the most energy per gram compared to carbs and protein. Once your metabolism is optimized, it should process fat for 80% of the energy your body needs, with the remainder coming from carbohydrates. The absence of sugar in your diet will remove the peaks and valleys you feel from the ‘sugar rush’ and the ‘sugar crash’ associated with high sugar content and corn syrups. Fat doesn’t make you fat – that’s the take away.

Now you may say, a granola bar is better than a candy bar – and you’re absolutely right. The point of this post is to shed some light on some of the misconceptions I had about what was healthy and wasn’t healthy. I thought I could eat 2 granola bars, wash it down with a Diet Pepsi and have a salad for dinner and I was being healthy. I don’t know better now. I don’t do that now. I stay away from processed foods, sugars, artificial sweeteners and anything low-cal or no/low-fat. It doesn’t help me, it doesn’t help my body – I don’t want to eat or drink it consistently.

Quick and Dirty Workout

I’ve been asked ‘what do you do’, ‘how do I break this plateau’, or ‘I run all the time and just can’t seem to lose any more weight’. The spirit of this entry is to get you moving and doing something outside your comfort zone. If done correctly, these movements will engage your entire body. You can go as slow or as fast as you want. If you follow CrossFit, their ideology to fitness is: Constantly varied functional movement with intensity (or something like that). What does that mean to you? It means that our bodies are incredible machines with the inherent nature to adapt to our surroundings, diet, and daily activities. If you run the same distance at the same speed (or with only minor changes), your body is going to adapt to that activity. Your body will recognize the activity and prepare itself for that. It will store fat to offset the calorie burn that occurs for the duration of your run. Steady state cardio does not, in my opinion, give me the results I want for my body. For women, it can be even worse. Check out this article on EliteFTS.com. I’m not saying you shouldn’t run. I’m not saying you shouldn’t move. What I’m saying is that if you’re struggling with losing weight or achieving your fitness goals and all you’re doing is the same treadmill routine every day, day in/day out – it’s time to change something. Oh, and for you elliptical people – just stop, no really – it’s the most wasted use of an hour I’ve ever seen. If you have an injury and can’t do that, then you should probably not be reading this blog and consult a physical therapist or medical professional about your options. Not to be a dick, but the elliptical, in my opinion is like when you play Mario Bros and you run Mario up to a wall and just keep him running up against the wall – little legs moving, but never really getting anywhere.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results – Albert Einstein, attributed

Disclaimer: I’m not a trainer, I have no formal training. I don’t make money doing this and I highly recommend you join a CrossFit Affiliate gym in your area to work with coaches that are certified in coaching people through CrossFit and these movements. I don’t want to scare anyone, but doing these movements incorrectly can cause injury. The worst thing you can do is get an injury – then you can’t workout at all. PLEASE BE CAREFUL and CONSULT A PROFESSIONAL and/or DOCTOR BEFORE STARTING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM.

With that out of the way, this is a workout I use when I’m not in a CrossFit Box or have access to Olympic lifting equipment. It only requires body weight, therefore you can do it in a regular gym or even at your house. If you don’t have a treadmill, you can run outside. If you can’t run outside, then you can jog in place (4 minutes for the 400 meter, 3 minutes for the 200 meter), but really just run.

WarmUp:
400 meter jog (1/4 mile)
20 second Plank (forearms)
10 Pushups
20 second Plank
200 meter jog(1/8 mile)
20 second Plank
10 Pushups
20 second plank

Workout:
5 Rounds (you’ll do this set of movements a total of 5 times): 20 minute cap
10 Sit Ups
15 Air Squats
20 Lunges (alternating legs – 10 each leg)
10 Push Ups

If you’ve never worked out, don’t be concerned with the time or getting all the rounds done. Focus on form and doing the movement correctly. These movements involve your entire body. Keep your chest up and look forward, slightly above the ‘horizon’ when doing your air squats. Keep you arms in front of you to balance. Push-Ups are BOY push-ups. If you can’t do a full push up, then find something to put under your chest that’s approximately 6-8″ tall, lower yourself to this flat surface (a 12 pack of canned soda can work) and then push up. Sit ups should be all the way down and all the way forward – touch your fingers in front of your toes – no crunches. Make sure on the lunges you get a good, deep lunge – go for stretching, not speed.

If you’re unsure of these movements, you can Google the movement name with the word ‘CrossFit’ in the title. There are a plethora of videos out there, produced by people that actually know what they’re doing. Use your judgement, listen to your body – if it doesn’t feel right or hurts (legitimately hurts – like injury, not soreness) then stop doing it. Modify the movement for your range of motion.

I strongly urge you to join a CrossFit Affiliate, seriously. They know what they’re doing. They’re certified to teach and coach. They will work with you to make sure you’re doing the right movements to avoid injury. I’m not a trainer. I’m not trained in any of this, other than what I do myself, under the guidance of certified instructors. Please consult a real professional before doing any of these movements or embarking on an exercise routine. 

The beginning of the beginning

Before I begin the how I did what I did, here are some important links to the tools that I used to get me on the right track to reach my fitness goals and ultimately see lasting results:

Advocare 24 Day Challenge

CrossFit

Paleo Diet (or just eating clean)

With all of that business out of the way, please feel free to peruse those links at your leisure. They will provide some background on the “what” I did. I need to preface this that these habits, behaviors, supplements, meal plans, and workouts pushed me beyond what I thought was normal. These things worked for me, but I’m not a doctor or nutritionist. I did not seek a doctor’s advice. I listened to my body. I rested when it said rest, I pushed it when I knew I could. I experimented with different foods and tried to approach my diet from a standpoint of a science experiment, eliminating the variables along the way. I did eventually consult a fitness/nutrition coach once I’d done all that I could do, but for the purpose of this article, that came much, much later.

There were some critical people in my life when I started this that assisted. I didn’t do this by myself. I had people. I had The Hulk, The Coach, and The (Ex)Wife. All of these people were influential in their knowledge, support and motivated me in one way or another. They pointed me in the right direction, kept me on track when I veered off, but I still did the work. I still made the decision of what was on the end of that fork or spoon before I put it in my mouth. I made the choice to get to the gym each day for each class. I made the choice to lift that bar, do that burpee, or run that distance. I don’t take credit for all of my success, but I damn sure take credit for all of my failures. Sometimes admitting that you need help is the hardest part. Once that’s done, it’s easy.

The 24 Day Advocare Challenge started on May 30th, 2013. I started that. I followed it. I tracked what I ate and how much I ate. I’m not going to tell you what it is, just check out the link. But I can tell you that I did not cheat, not for 1 month (and then it was In-N-Out Burger – I literally almost shit my pants 45 minutes after, but it was worth it). My diet consisted mostly of vegetables (spinach, broccoli, red and yellow bell peppers, garlic, onions, and mushrooms) and lean animal proteins (lean steak, chicken, and canned tuna). I drank over a gallon and a half of water a day. I ate a few cashews when I was feeling a bit low between meals. Bananas every once in awhile, but I didn’t really consume very much fruit. I don’t have a sweet tooth, but if I did crave an after dinner dessert, I’d eat frozen berries. I tried my best to only shop on the ends of the supermarket. If it had a nutrition label, I didn’t want it. There was trial and error and the question of ‘Is this Paleo?’ came up often. You’re going to eat the wrong thing, and that’s okay.

Check your Ego at the door.

CrossFit started June 3rd, 2013. Elements Class, where they  show you the introductory movements (push-ups, sit-ups, air squats, kettlebell swings and pull ups) and they go over ‘What is CrossFit?’ (click the link above). Class started and after the first set of kettlebell swings, I started to get light headed. I started to get dizzy. I started to pass the fuck out, no really. Tunnel vision, clammy hands, loss of cognitive thought. I knew I was going to go dark because it had almost happened to me once before in a 24 Hour Fitness. I instantly recognized what was happening and laid down for the next 45 minutes, missing the rest of the class. The instructor (not The Coach, but still a coach) checked in on me through out the rest of the class to make sure I didn’t die (no he did care, but I’m a big tough guy and I don’t need any help – right?). I just rode it out and regained my composure. Here I was, 293lbs, starting what was going to transform my life like it did for The Hulk. I was doing the things he was doing, eating the things he told me to eat, and taking the supplements he took – surely this couldn’t be happening to me, it didn’t happen to him. That’s when it hit me. I had missed the sign on the door to the box: Check your ego at the door. I thought that because there was no weight and all of these skinny, fit people around me were tossing barbells like matchsticks that, surely, a bit fat guy like me can do it with a PVC pipe?

What I didn’t take into account was my level of fitness, or lack there of. What I didn’t take into account is that the guy I used to be, the guy that could rock climb for 2-3 hours at a time, run 5 miles on the treadmill in less than an hour was a weighed down by years of unhealthy habits and self loathing. What I didn’t take into account is that my body had adapted to carbs for any energy it needed and because I’d stopped eating carbs in the form of grains and starches, my body started to shut down. And why would it want to work? It’d been sedentary for years. It was comfortable. After I recovered, a full 45 minutes later, I begged and pleaded with the instructor to let me come to the second Elements class. He let me. I was happy.

Everything hurt, but that was a good thing.

I’m glad I almost failed before I started. It illustrated that I was not invincible. It showed me that I did have a problem. It showed me that I needed this more than I needed anything else. Sure, it hurt. My arms, chest, thighs, and even my butt hurt from all of the movements I was asking my body to do. I modified rep schemes, movements, weights. I wasn’t ashamed to admit I couldn’t do something. I wasn’t embarrassed by the amount of sweat that poured from my body. There was a humility I found in asking for help. I was greeted by an overwhelming amount of support from strangers, strangers who would eventually become my CrossFit family. I had drank the kool-aid and I was hooked.

Gone were the days when the fat kid got teased for being slow, last, or generally out of shape. I felt like every step, rep, and burpee I did was for the community I’d found at the Box. That if I didn’t do it, if I didn’t give it my all then the people that cheered for me the day before would be disappointed that I’d given any less than 100% effort. Come in last, lift light weight, modify a movement, but finish the workout – it’s the only way you get better.

CrossFitters speak their own language and I was desperate to learn.

AMRAP, WOD, MetCon, HSPU, SDHP – What did it all mean? I wanted to be part of the club and the best part – they wanted me to be part of their club. Detractors may call it CultFit or that the first rule of CrossFit is everyone talks about CrossFit. I say that until you’ve tried it, until you’ve found your family in the box, just keep making jokes, because I know what kipping is and strive to do it.

With Paleo and Advocare I had my nutrition plan down. I had a meal plan, not a diet. I had something sustainable. With CrossFit I had a new family that would hold me accountable when I wanted to quit and run with me those last 400 meters to finish the mile. I had strangers telling me I could do things that I didn’t even know I could do. I had everything I needed to succeed – for the first time in my life.

Happy Panda

Everyone has a low point. I don’t have a lot of pictures in my almost 300 pound state because I was unhappy. They were either taken from a distance, hidden behind the other people in the photo or taken at that ‘flattering’ angle that large people tell themselves they have. You know what I’m talking about, the downward, semi skewed angle that hides double chins and blends love handles in under your arm. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, just check out Facebook. Girls are masters of the ‘boob’ shot to hide double chins, muffin tops, and any other undesirable feature. I’m that guy. I didn’t like to take photos for this reason. Because I hated what I saw. The camera doesn’t lie. Sure in the mirror, I could suck it in, ‘flex’ and turn to give me the justification that I wasn’t ‘that big’.

Humility is watching girls a third my size lift more weight faster!

I don’t say these things to make you mad. As a person that hasn’t seen the underside of 210lbs since middle school, I’m going to exercise to paint the picture inside of my head, the stories and things I told myself to make the $5.00 footlong okay because I made the healthy decision of ‘wheat bread’ instead of white. Trust me, I’ve told myself all of the things that fat people tell themselves to feel better about themselves. And I was okay being that guy, I had myself fooled and convinced that it was okay, that I was happy being that size. Shit, I still do it now. Side effects of excessive glycogen storage.

I’ve been there, I’ve done that. I enjoyed each gram of carbohydrate and fat, each super sized combo and ranch dressing dipped chicken tender. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. I didn’t. I still don’t. If you’re angry at what I’ve said, or feel that I hate fat people, take a hard look in the mirror, ask yourself:  Do I hate fat people or do you hate yourself?

In terms of alcohol and drug addiction, they say that people have to ‘hit rock bottom’ to want to change. Where’s your bottom? Have you hit it yet? I promise, once you do, you will want to scrape, claw, and shimmy your way out of that hole or die trying. At least I did. I wanted to find that stronger person inside of me that was wearing 50 extra pounds and breathed hard walking up a single flight of steps.

This is as bad as it gets…

This was my rock bottom, but luckily The Hulk saved me. He reached out and told me his story and how he did things. The Hulk inspired me, not through a blog but through action. His Facebook pictures spoke volumes. His consistency to CrossFit and clean eating stood head and shoulders over the anecdotal talking heads, you tube videos, and blogs I’d read. He was a living, breathing example I couldn’t ignore. He did what others in my life had failed to do – he motivated me through example.

A picture is worth a thousand words. I’ve posted these pictures to show you where I’ve come from. There will be more pictures, some flattering, some not so. I’m not where I want to be. I have goals that are not tied to a number on a scale. With every goal comes a starting point, a benchmark if you will. I’ve listed a few of my assumed benchmarks below.

Start Date: 5/30/2013
Weight: 293.4lbs, 5’10”
Mile Time: 18+ minutes (if I finished)
Bench Press: 95lbs x 5
Deadlift: 135lbs x 5
Squat: 135 x 5
Shoulder Press: 75lbs x 3
Clean: 75lbs x 5
Pull Ups: 0
Handstand Pushups: 0 (what’s a handstand?)
Situps: 10 (not full range of motion)

*These are generic guesses as to what I could do when I started. Truth is, I was happy to get through a workout without passing out. I did the work I could do, but every workout was heavily modified. I checked my ego at the door every time I walked into the gym and found a humility in watching girls a full third my size lift more weight faster.

These are some basic statistics, some hard data of where I started. I don’t know what my body fat percentage was, but it was fat. I’m guessing 43-48%. My diet consisted of Firehouse Subs, Chinese Food, Subway, Wendys – if it was fast and fried in hydrogenated oils, I ate it. For shame.

I promise, this is as bad as it gets. I’m trying to illustrate a graphically morbid picture for you. Its not pretty, but this is the bottom, and I only had one direction to go from here. I needed to make a change for me, for my health, for my life.

…enter CrossFit, Advocare, and Paleo

Inception

I’m not a small person. My goal is not to be small, thin, skinny, or compact. I simply want to be the best version of myself that I can achieve.

I’m a pretty intense person, from my relationships and friendships, to my ability to remember random facts and figures from conversations that happened years ago. I intensely love food. L-O-V-E it. My inner fat kid is alive and very much active. He wants to come out and play with all of the decadent desserts and savory pastas of the world. Carbohydrates, in grain form, are my kryptonite. It brings me to my knees and leaves me wallowing in a satisfied pool of guilt. I know to carb load (or as I used to call it, lunch) without doing any physical activity was a bad thing. It added pounds to my stocky frame and removed years from my life. But I ate because I was happy. I ate because I like to eat. I ate because it’s social. I ate because I was bored. I didn’t eat when I was sad.

Major traumas of the heart inspired drastic weight loss. I used to talk about when I was skinny (circa 2004 to 2007) with the zeal of a high school quarterback that hadn’t amounted to much after the final pass of the final game of their senior year. I thought I was healthy when I was skinny. I thought that subsisting on a sub 1500 calorie diet was the ‘right’ way to do things. I thought that because I could rock climb in an indoor gym, run a 10 minute mile and bench press my weight (215 lbs) that I was fit. I was under educated about fitness and the true meaning of it’s application on my life.

This idea of fitness allowed me to have a sense of confidence about myself, that let the real Panda come out. It allowed me to meet someone, and invariably marry that person. She made me happy, and when I’m happy, I eat. I gained over 85lbs in a short 5 years. I’d gained all of my losses back and then added another 30lbs for good measure. Consuming a 12″ corndog at the fair was ‘fun’. Ordering two entrees at dinner because I wanted macaroni and cheese AND a chicken and brie sandwich was deemed acceptable and totally normal in my head. I mean I had everything I wanted – a wife, a house, a job, fur babies, friends, family – what was missing?

I was missing.

I found that I had become so unhappy with myself that I stopped loving me. I stopped caring about me and allowed myself to justify behavior that was completely unhealthy. I no longer have a wife, a house, or fur babies. I have my friends and family, I have a job, but most importantly, I’ve found the person I am. I’ve rediscovered him. I’ve melted the old me down and skimmed the impurities of gluttony, self-loathing, depression, contentment, and lethargy off the top. I found myself again. I’m aggressive, and competitive. I’m a sarcastic cynic who longs for deep connections and respect. I’m intensely extroverted and social. I’m funny, but I hardly laugh.

Trauma can kill or disfigure. It can shock the system and reboot your core. It’s traumatic, but sometimes emotional trauma is what’s needed to adjust one’s perspective on their own life. I’ve had that adjustment. That trauma led to losing over 50lbs and half of my body fat in 4 months. That trauma led to a healthy respect for food and a change in my approach to eating. That trauma transformed my spirit and showed me what was truly important to me.

This blog isn’t about my emotional roller coaster of the last 6 years or my subsequent transformation. This blog is about the things I’ve done and continue to do to be the strongest version of myself.

Become the strongest version of yourself – Elliott Hulse

Through eating clean and CrossFit, along with a mental tenacity to fight through the emotional carnage of losing your best friend and partner in life, I was able to find true self again. The support of my friends and family created a clarity in my mind and soul, while CrossFit transformed years of fat and self loathing into sweat and muscle mass.

I don’t like the word ‘journey’ in relation to people who lose weight or deal with extreme fat loss. I feel that every journey ends. This is life. Life is up, down, left, and right. It’s upside down and inside out. I made the choice to get fat. I made the choice to get fit. This blog, hopefully, will inspire others to make choices that benefit the strongest version of themself.